Edward Jizzahands
by GetOffMyRob
Summary: Socially inept Edward goes to school with beautiful, popular Bella,  who's party ways affect her school work.  They are forced to pair up for a  project and wind up helping each other with surprising results. Do they have  more in common than they thought


**A/N: You all know the drill by now – I don't own anything that is a product of Stephenie Meyers Twilight (notice how I've spelt STEPHENIE correctly, I hate when I see it spelt wrong!). Names, places, incidents, blah blah - I'm just temporarily borrowing some characters to join my tea party.**

**This is my first foray into fanfic so please be gentle. No throwing of any inanimate (including virtual) objects at me of any kind!**

**Lulu1709 has put her hand up enthusiastically to be my beta ;) You ROCK sista! Consider this my virtual dry hump *bump and grind***

**My sincere whorish thank you goes to krazyk85 who encouraged me to write this story – thanks hooker ;)**

**Also a special S/O to the #pervycrazywhoreclub who keep me knee deep in pervy heaven xx**

**This story isn't for kiddies, full of lemons and such, so if you're reading this and you are, please come back when you're old enough to make your own lemonade ;)**

Fuck My Life

EPOV

Ugh, ugh...groan...mmm. Bella smiling at me... Bella flipping her hair… I closed my eyes, her image taunting me with its sweetness. The thought of her sweet pink mouth wrapped around my dick was making "little Eddie" (_yes, so I have a very unoriginal name for my dick_) jerk to his own little happy beat.

Bella was so sexy and sweet that Eddie had his own little twitch and jerk symphony that he had composed in her honor. This wasn't the first time I'd thought about Bella to make myself cum; which was way too damn easy. I had quite the vivid imagination and preferred that to whacking off to a porn mag.

I was your typical horny seventeen year old boy; sex was on my mind like every minute of the day, a twenty-four seven access, spank bank. I was a sex-obsessed virgin with a rather large appendage and when I say large, I mean _HUGE_. Yes you heard correctly, I'm still a virgin, but I'll get to that later. My Eddie was the dual delight and bane of my existence. He didn't always behave and sometimes embarrassed the crap out of me…well a lot actually. Pushing that thought aside, I continued pumping a few more times until I felt Eddie choke it up and start spewing in thick bursts. Oh, yeah. Morning wood was damn right… _OWWW!_.

FUCK. MOTHER FUCKING, SHIT FUCKER!

I'd spunked myself in the face, rendering myself partially blind. Searing pain had me clamping my hand over my right eye. Swearing a blue streak, I jumped out of bed only to have my foot catch in the bed sheet. I pitched sideways and came crashing down, smacking my head on the side table before my face planted into the carpet. Air whooshed out of my lungs as pain shot through my skull. Flipping onto my back, I rubbed my head. (_The one upstairs you freaks._) Oww! That shit seriously fucking hurt!

Continuing to swear, calling myself all kinds of idiot, I screamed like a little girl and grabbed my junk as I heard my bedroom door crash open, slamming against the wall.

My mother must have broken the land speed record and flown up the stairs to my room. I was half blind, but certainly heard the frantic "Edward" she called out before she came to a screeching halt, panic written across her features before she gasped. My stomach bottomed out as I saw her expression (which admittedly is a bit hazy); change from blind panic to a mix between horror and shock as she absorbed the scene before her.

Her youngest son, flat on his back with a hand covering his junk…_well as much as possible_…boxers shoved down mid-thigh, covered in jizz. Sounds funny I know but I can honestly say I have never been more mortally embarrassed in my whole fucking life!

My mother Esme was never one lost for words, but today I'd rendered her speechless. Dumb. Mute. Other than the gasp, not another word fell from her lips as her face flushed scarlet. Quiet for what seemed like forever, but was probably only a minute, she seemed to gather reinforcements from somewhere and pointed her finger at me.

"You…You watch your fucking mouth, son!" burst from between her lips, before she averted her eyes. The soft thud of the door closing marked her departure from my room.

Esme was prone to fits of profanity if she was either embarrassed or angry. I'd say it was a pretty safe bet that she was the former. Embarrassment was being handed out by the bucket load and I was no exception.

As I sat up, I slapped the floor in frustration before running my hand through my hair only to feel the sticky mess now coating the strands. _Yuck! Did that really just happen?_ _Yeah it did_. With jerky movements I pushed my boxers the rest of the way down my legs and hurled them across the room in frustration. Standing, I took some steadying breaths before palming my face as I cross the room to my bathroom. I grimace as my hands come away sticky with goo.

Flicking the taps to wash the jizz off my hands, I groan in despair as I look in the mirror. I was such a fucking freak. Glaring at my reflection, I redden as I see what my mother had. My bronze hair was sticking out all ways but left, the lid of my right eye was now glued shut with sticky jizz, and there was a huge knot on the side of my head. Touching the lump forming there I wince; it was definitely going to bruise, _great_. My green left eye flashes a look of pure hatred at my reflection with no further words necessary. _You asshole loser_ is stuck on repeat inside my head.

I'm 6' 2" with bronze hair, green eyes, full lips, strong jaw and lanky frame. I was good looking in a hot nerd way, which I had gathered from the various girls who had approached me in the past…but as soon as I had stuttered and turned bright red, they had quickly back-peddled. I had the social skills of a chimp, hence the virgin status.

I sighed as I turned on the shower. I stepped in, not caring that the spray was freezing, and proceeded to hammer my head repeatedly against the tiles. _Fuck my life_!

After dressing for school, I walked into the kitchen and sighed in relief. My mother was nowhere to be seen. I'll admit I've got a pretty great mom but after what happened earlier I was not looking forward to looking her in the eye. If that never takes place I will die a happy man. I was still embarrassed all the way to my toes.

Peering out into the drive, I swear as I take in the fact that Emmett's Jeep is missing. Looks like he and Jazz have left for school already. _Thanks for waiting, fuckers!_ Snagging a piece of cold toast left on the kitchen island, I slung my bag onto my shoulder, hoofed it out to my Volvo, and screeched out of the driveway. Like usual, I'm running late.

We all attended Forks high school. I was a junior, whereas my brothers were seniors…and my polar opposites. Emmett, who was one of the most popular kids at school, was tall with dark hair and was built like a tank. He was always equipped with a goofy grin, that most likely morphed into a smirk just for the ladies. He was the joker of the family. _Yeah, real fucking funny asshole. Not_.

He was a real dick to me most of the time, and avoided me like the plague. Jasper on the other hand looked like a blonde surfer with his long hair, blue eyes, and chiseled body. He had perfected the ultimate panty dropping smile, and literally had chicks falling in his lap without lifting a finger. Jazz also avoided me at school but wasn't as much a dick about it as Emmett, who told everyone I was adopted. No, I'm not adopted though lately I wish I was. I can't believe that I'm genetically linked to that asshole.

And that leaves me, the socially retarded dork of the century. A girl so much as looked at me sideways and I was a gibbering mess who had a propensity to go red at the drop of a hat. Out of all the brothers I was the only one that required a pair of glasses, thus cementing my nerd status. Oh and did I mention that I get boners, greatly embarrassing boners, at the worst possible times? This then leads me to think about the only time I'd even so much as had a chance at a girl touching said boner…only to have it blow up in her face, _literally_.

Pulling into the school parking lot, I spy Jacob leaning against his motorbike. _Perfect, great even, this ought to be fun_, I snark to myself.

Jacob hated Emmett, and in turn got a sick twisted kick out of tormenting me as I was related to him. He wouldn't dare start anything with Emmett as he would be pommelled into the dirt, but me, I was fair game.

Jacob was tall, fairly solid, with long dark hair and eyes that danced with mischief as he saw me exiting my car.

My brothers are on the far lawn laughing with their friends and fail to notice Jacob's evil grin come into play, as he trails behind as I make my way through the front entrance.

Spying his buddies coming from the right of me, I make the mistake of ducking into the bathroom, praying that they haven't seen me and will keep walking. No such luck. I hear the outer door slam open and realize I'm trapped with nowhere to go.

"Hey Jizzahands, how's it hanging? Impersonate any fire hoses lately?" is whispered into my ear followed by a chuckle. His buddies laugh like he's made the funniest joke of the year. Jacob has recently started taunting me with this new nickname since the incident with Jessica was broadcast around the school. Her mouth had proved to be as loose as that pussy of hers and that's saying a lot. I'm eternally grateful I hadn't lost my v-card to that bitch.

Saying nothing, in the hope that he would back off and leave me alone, I realize I'll have no chance as Jacob grabs me by my shirt and proceeds to drag me into a stall with the help of his meathead buddy Paul. I start struggling, as I know what they're about to do, but am no match for the pair as my head is rammed into the toilet bowl. I hear muffled laughter before the sound of flushing. Following a hard punch to the gut, water floods my nose and throat. They drop me and laugh as I struggle to a sitting position on the floor choking and spluttering, water dripping down into my eyes and soaking my shirt.

I glare at Jacob while I cough up the remaining water. I close my eyes in relief when I hear him throw a "See ya 'round Cullen" over his shoulder as the first bell rings signaling to get to class. Jacob and the goon squad exit the bathroom.

Thinking my day can't get any worse, I'm proven wrong yet again. God sure is pissing on me today with relish. It can in fact get worse and does.

Not looking as I exit the bathroom, I hear "Ouff" as I slam into a soft body. I bring my hands up to push myself away and my hands encounter two lush slopes and freeze. Of course, it's Bella, making her way to first period.

Staggering back slightly and throwing a, "Hey, watch where you're going ass…" she stops, and peers up at me before looking down at where my hands are still resting. Her gasp soon follows. Meanwhile, I'm mesmerized as I see the tip of her pink tongue flick out to coat her upper lip before sinking her perfect little teeth into her bottom one. Argh.

It's one of the sexiest things I think I've ever witnessed, and I can't help but to groan in appreciation.

My brain short-circuits completely as I stare at my hands cupping her heaving breasts. Looking up, her brown eyes draw me in and I stare back at her stupidly. I'm so lost in my own little world that I don't notice when she glares at me before arching her brow. "Um, Edward, what the hell?"

I'm transported back to this morning and the fantasy I had of her mouth wrapped around my dick. I'm so lost in sensation that I fail to notice the boner tenting my pants or the fact that I still haven't removed my hands, which appear to be super glued to her chest. I shiver involuntary as I see fantasy Bella lick her lips and smile. Feeling a small hand against little Eddie suddenly snaps me back to awareness.

_What. The. Fuck_? Widening my eyes in alarm, I look down and zero in on Bella palming my dick. I'm sure I'm hallucinating and blink rapidly hoping to dispel the illusion. Eddie is just about doing the can-can in my pants after feeling a foreign hand touch him up. Watching her fingers massage my dick, I realize this isn't an image conjured up from my perverted brain and have no chance in hell of stopping what happens next. It takes like two seconds for my hard on to go from ignition stage to lift off and blast into my pants. I can't help the moan that slips out from between my lips, ending in an embarrassed groan, as my body trembles with the effect of my second orgasm today.

Snatching my hands back like they'd been set on fire, I hung my head as I felt a blush creep up my neck into my face. If I could dig a hole and bury myself right now, I swear I would do it and dig all the way to China. Somebody please fucking shoot me and put me out of my misery. Mortified just does not even begin to scratch it this time. My hands had been on Bella's beautiful soft boobs and her hands had been on…. Oh my god! And then I'd jizzed in my pants. Fuck me, Fuuuck me! I slapped my head in acute embarrassment.

Looking down Bella chokes and lifts her hands away from my junk, taking only a moment to realize what has just happened. "Ed-dward, sorry, I was just trying to show you how inappropriate you were being, I guess um, it kinda, backfired." The sentence ended in a light breathy laugh, her face flaming as she chuckled at her play on words.

I lift my head to glance at her, my breath hitching in my throat as I register how lovely she looks (_and damn cute too_), with a blush staining her cheeks. Trying to interpret the look flitting across her features, laughter from a few feet away snaps me out of my Bella daze. I'm mortified when I realize that Jessica has seen everything that has just taken place and is laughing her ass off.

Stepping away I mutter, "Bella, would you…c-could you please tell Miss Webber that I'm sick and have gone home? Thanks." Not waiting for her answer, I turn, sliding my bag onto my shoulder and awkwardly run back to my car with the sound of Jessica's laughter ringing in my ears.

**A/N: ooooKay! Pwetty please review, whether you liked it or hated it. I've never done this before so feedback would be AWSUM! 33**


End file.
